Thoughts on Motherhood

Two years ago it seemed like time went by so slowly and now I just can't seem to slow it down. Jaxson gets bigger every second.
Being a mother is a learning experience every day. Somedays are better than others and as he gets older I find myself wishing all the time that I knew exactly what to do but I suppose no one does. How come all the things they do that you tell them not to do have to be so cute? He is so hard to say no too and I feel bad everytime I do it. Motherhood is hard!
If you know me well it won't surprise you that I have pondered motherhood a lot! I think way too much. I ask myself is this the best possible way of doing this probably 30 times a day. Am I a good mother? Oh no I'm upset calm down. Am I being the mom I want to be? I told you I think a lot.
I don't know if anyone can ever be the mom that they want to be all the time but, I think you can come close. It is constant work and constant improvement. It is love, pure love. It is fear, pain, learning, excitement, joy, and definately entertaining.
When Jaxson was first born I was so excited but so entirely overwhelmed. He was so cute and so little and everything seemed to be going wrong. He was always sick all the doctors thought I was being crazy and I felt so far away from any of the mothers that I knew besides my sister. (but I hate asking for advice anyways) When they finally figured out that their was a problem (just a uti) at primary children's way late at night I was so relieved. I felt awful that I was glad that he had something but I just had known something was wrong and no one but Matt believed me. That is when I first realized how much I loved this little boy. Life for us was definately up and down for a long while. I had no idea what I was doing and everyday I thought I must be doing this wrong. funny how we worry so much. I was so hard on myself and still am but I'm learning. For me at first motherhood was all about the mother I didn't want to be. However, I was unsure how to be the mother I wanted to be. This may sound cruel but my parents divorce took up my entire pregnancy every ounce of my energy was fought in that battle for nine months. It was useless. I felt like everything I knew about parenting, love and marriage was destroyed and honestly it was. My parents tried and sometimes things were good but it wasn't a life I wanted my son to experience. So the first year of Jaxson's life was a new beginning for me one I felt like I had to do by myself. Poor Matt. He tried so hard to tell me all the time that loving Jaxson was enough and that I would and could be a good mother. If you have been through the experience you know. You just have to find out for yourself.
I've come to learn that caring so much is proof in and of itself. The fact that half the time I'm a wreck trying to be perfect says it all doesn't it? I love my son. Maybe one day I will get to a point where I'm not such a wreck and I trust myself more but for now atleast I know I am a good mom just because I'm trying.
Happy Mother's Day!